Living in community has changed the way I read the bible. I think especially the stories about the disciples. Like what Rudolf said about encountering mirrors in those around us - it’s challenging to live so close together and it is hard to receive truth from one another – these were the things I was thinking about when I wrote this …
Matthew 16: 15 – 26
Peter is trying to stay with Jesus. The disciples are confused about who Jesus hangs out with, His seeming lack of direction, His total lack of ambition… but now in this intimate encounter, Peter has figured it out – “You are the Messiah – excellent, now we have a plan” but then Jesus starts talking of death and suffering at the hands of the religious leaders – “no Jesus, you don’t have it right, we need You – now come on, You’re gonna scare the other guys. Maybe we can go raise up some more followers in the countryside…people yearning for some authentic leadership…” to which he receives a public rebuke … but Peter is determined to prove himself to Jesus.
Judas is trying to hang in there too. But he is clearly growing weary. The other guys have seen him dip his hand into the common purse for a little personal bonus. “What’s the big deal, it’s not like we’re making millions, here…” When a woman pours expensive perfume on Jesus’ feet he protests – “all that money spent on perfume should have been spent on the poor, right Jesus?! – see, I have been paying attention” … but no, a public rebuke from Jesus – it’s for His burial – “I’ve had it … I can’t keep up – You’ve been dragging us all over the countryside with no place to sleep, no respect, and now You are talking about being killed… this is great! There’s gotta be a way out of this…” from then on, Judas watched for an opportunity to betray Him…
Can’t you imagine the disciples all hanging out in the fields together? They are a small group – they have been together for years. They tease each other. They jockey for position. They are competitive, tired, from different backgrounds – it is hard to live in community! – can’t you just hear them, “whoa Peter, Jesus really let you have it today!” “He called you Satan!” “Get behind me” “hey, leave my brother alone” Can’t you just see it?
But I’m not sure Judas appreciated this kind of banter. All 11 other disciples were most likely from Galilee. It is not known for sure, but from his second name, Iscariot, it is possible that Judas was from Judea…an outsider – a true Jew…Judea is the region where we find Jerusalem and Bethlehem – it was the center of all Jewish life. If Judas was from Judea, he would have a different accent, different customs than the other 11. …Scripture doesn’t say…………but what it does say is “from then on, Judas watched for an opportunity to betray Him…”’
At a certain point, for whatever reasons we might try to understand – jealousy, ambition, greed, feeling left out or fed up – Judas had had enough. Here he is at the eve of the most important event of all history, a time when Jesus needs His disciples near Him, supporting Him, following closely, listening carefully, and Judas is far away in his heart. “I am done following you and your filthy Galilean fishermen friends. I am sick of your tax collectors and prostitutes and Samaritans. How could I have been so foolish – I have wasted years, and for what?”
Peter is becoming more and more sure of his status as one of the more important disciples. He is invited by Jesus for a little day trip. Just him, John and James. They find themselves on a mountain and suddenly they are trapped between two worlds – heaven opens up and they see Jesus bright as sunlight and talking to Moses and Elijah…….Peter cannot keep his mouth shut – he always has a great idea – “we’ll set up some shelters up here for You, Jesus and Moses and Elijah - people from far and near will come and see who You really are…” while he is still speaking – God interrupts “listen to My SON” stop your own agenda and discard your messianic dreams and LISTEN!
All of the disciples are getting restless. Tensions are high. Jesus is talking more and more about death and the end of the world. The disciples argue and bicker about who is the best, the most important. Jesus talks about serving each other, forgiveness and becoming like children. Strange words. Where are we heading? To Jerusalem for the Passover. Jesus has set His face like flint in that one direction.
And what an entry. People shouting and waving branches and calling out “Hosanna – save us Messiah” The disciples follow in amazement and wonder – sure, over the last few years there have been crowds, lots of crowds, but this is the holy week in Jerusalem and the city is packed. The disciples follow behind Jesus on the donkey straight to the temple where Jesus goes wild. He overturns tables and benches and doves are sent flying – Jesus is asserting His authority – and the Pharisees want to know whose orders He is carrying out. “Who gave You the authority to do these things?!”
He evades their questions. He is speaking in parables... the Kingdom, the powerful Landowner, the King’s Son’s wedding feast…more powerful words, authority and then the big rebuke of the Pharisees – “I've had it with you! You're hopeless, you religion scholars, you Pharisees! Frauds! Your lives are roadblocks to God's kingdom. You refuse to enter, and won't let anyone else in either. People look at you and think you're saints, but beneath the skin you're total frauds.” On and on – pouring out judgments and rebukes on the Pharisees.
Peter is enjoying the show…little does he know he is the gravest danger of becoming just like these Pharisees… Listen to what Jesus is saying, Listen to My SON! “If you put yourself above others, you will be put down. …don’t try to take the best seat….” But Peter’s head is swelling with the events of the last few days… “Here it comes – the start of the rule of the Messiah. Bring it on!”
Judas is enjoying the show, too. Jesus is playing into his hands. Judas’ heart attitude is ugly, but he is good at playing the part – no one suspects a thing. Fredrick Buechner describes this tendency in all of us: “We’ve always known what was wrong with us, the malice in us even at our most civilized, the way we focus on the worst in the people we know and then rejoice when disasters overtake them which we believe they so richly deserve. Our insincerity, our phoniness, the masks we do our real business behind.” “Keep talking Jesus. Keep criticizing those Pharisees – we’ll see who has the last word”
Now the Passover is almost here. The disciples go to Jesus and ask where they will have their meal. Passover not only celebrated the Jews coming out of slavery but had definite Messianic overtones. It was a holiday that looked back at the history, but also pointed forward to the One who was to come and restore the nation. Jesus identified Himself plainly to His disciples as the Messiah and so this was a particularly important Passover. Was Jesus going to take His place as Messiah and restore the nation of Israel as prophecy foretold?
So here we are at this meal. It is an intimate setting. Is this the time when Jesus will reveal His Messianic strategy? But what is he doing? He is taking off his outer clothing and getting a cloth, and He begins washing the disciple’s feet. Before John tells us this story, he describes it like this, “Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.” This was an act of love. A disarming, unsettling love.
Jesus washes Judas feet, too. When your enemy shows you love, the bible says it is like having hot coals poured on your head. Judas is keeping up appearances, but inside he is thinking, “get up, Jesus. This is humiliating. Do you not know how the messiah is supposed to conduct himself?” With every rub of the cloth, Judas is being rubbed the wrong way.
Jesus gets to Peter. “No, you shall never wash my feet.” This isn’t what he has in mind for the Messiah either. But Jesus tells him, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." And now he sees it as some sort of inclusion ceremony – an initiation of sorts and he says, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!" Peter seems extra excited and super loyal – is he perhaps hoping to be second-in-command in the new regime? “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will. Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” Peter is so eager to understand Jesus, but he is not listening. He is trying to figure out Jesus’ every move. “Listen to My SON” Stop talking Peter, please stop talking and listen.
Judas can no longer allow Jesus this dangerous and free mission, he is now going to force Him into his own agenda. If he doesn’t act soon, his very life may be in danger. He is afraid that Jesus was taking him places he definitely does not want to go. As Jean Vanier says "I'm beginning to see in myself and in many people a sort of feeling that if I get too close to Jesus, well maybe then he's going to ask of me something I don't want to give. If we get close to God, well then it's going to be painful … we see him sort of calling us and then giving us a smack.” Judas gets up and leaves. I’m not waiting around for the punch line, I am out of here, what I am about to do, I will gladly do quickly, Jesus.”
They sing a hymn and go out into the night. Jesus wants to pray – He is clearly troubled. He invites them to participate in this hour of prayer but they are tired and fall asleep. Jesus is praying so hard He is in a bloody sweat “please take this cup from Me – not My will but Yours” His humanity at its height. And where is Peter? Sleeping. And Judas? He is on the way with a small army – defenders of the faith – people that the chief priests and elders have assembled to defeat Jesus. The hour is almost at hand.
Peter wakes to the sound of footsteps – lots of them – who is coming to the garden at this hour? What is going on? Here is Jesus, saying, “get up, let’s go, here comes my betrayer.” Peter rubs his eyes and can’t believe what he is seeing. People with torches and clubs and spears and who is that with them? The chief priest? And Judas? Peter is enraged. He grabs his sword and cuts off a guy’s ear. He is ready for the showdown. But Jesus heals the man and lets Himself be betrayed by Judas and taken away by the crowd. The disciples run away.
Peter stops running away and decides to follow at a distance. He can’t let them take Jesus away and not know what is happening. He gets to the courtyard of the building where Jesus is being questioned and the others there identify him as Jesus’ friend. “you must be thinking of someone else” and even as he speaks these words he further implicates himself with his Galilean accent – “listen to the way he talks – he is one of those guys” “no, I’m not!” he says twice more and then he hears that rooster crowing and remembers Jesus’ words and he weeps bitterly.
The realization of what Judas has done crushes him. He runs to the high priests and confesses "I have sinned," he said, "for I have betrayed innocent blood." Isn’t this the right place to go with sins – to the priests for atonement? They give him the cold shoulder and he doesn’t know where else to go. The whole system is crumbling before him and he doesn’t realize why. He can’t see that Jesus is making everything new – a new way to be made right with God. The priest have failed him and he doesn’t see another way – he can’t go on living with the guilt and shame. “what have I done? What have I done?”
Peter is lost. Jesus is dead. He was not able to stay with Him – to die with Him like he said he would. "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." The words ring in his ears. “what have I done? What have I done?”
Two disciples. Men who followed Jesus every day for years. Men who gave up everything to follow Him. And here they are – devastated, disappointed, disillusioned. All of the events of the years are flooding back to them. Words spoken, people healed, miles and miles of road traveled together. Jesus rebuking them for trying to be the best, for not having in mind the things of God, for not letting the children come to Him, for not having enough faith. And all Judas hears in those rebukes is “you’re not doing it right, you’ll never be good enough, you don’t understand me” but Peter hears what Jesus is saying “you’re not doing it right, but I know the right way. You will never be good enough, but I am. You don’t understand Me, but I will send you My Spirit so that you can understand”
Brennan Manning describes these two men this way “Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Peter … befriended the impostor within; [Judas] raged against him. Judas and Peter both betrayed Jesus. Judas could not face his shadow, Peter could. Peter’s life changed; Judas ended his life. Neither outcome was a knee-jerk reaction to the circumstances. Each man decided he could not go on living that way.”
When Peter sees Jesus again, he is ready to listen. It has been a long weekend. From Friday night to Sunday he believes Jesus is dead. And not just dead, murdered. And not just murdered in some random act of violence: systematically subjected to the government machinery and executed in public with thousands shouting for his death. Cheering. The disciples are afraid. Hiding in a locked room. What next? Where do we go from here? Some women come from the tomb and say Jesus is alive. What? Tell the disciples “and Peter” they repeat the angel’s message. And Peter. Because Jesus knew he was disqualifying himself because of his failings. And Peter! - he runs to the tomb and finds it empty!
They go to Galilee like the angels told them to. No Jesus. Peter is antsy. John 21:3 says ‘"I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you." So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.’ In the morning, they hear a voice from shore “throw your net on the other side” and just like the day Peter left all to follow Jesus, the fish are breaking the net apart. And Peter is so excited he jumps out of the boat and swims to shore to see his Lord.
And then Jesus restores Peter in a beautiful way. He doesn’t say “I told you so” but He also doesn’t brush it under the carpet. He makes Peter face his failure by asking him 3 times the same question, “do you love Me?”. 3 times denied. 3 times restored. And the first time Jesus asks him He says, “do you truly love me more than these?" and Jesus restores Peter not only to Himself but also to his fellow disciples – “even if these other guys fall away, I never will” Really, Peter?
Jesus knows him and loves him for who he is – with all his spontaneity and loud mouth suggestions and impatience – “feed my sheep” Jesus tells him. Take all that energy and use it to take care of others. Starting here. With this group of men that you know and love. Peter has died to all those messianic dreams and to his visions of greatness. This is the only place to start. Eugene Peterson says it this way “That's the whole spiritual life. It's learning how to die. And as you learn how to die, you start losing all your illusions, and you start being capable now of true intimacy and love.”
That is why Jesus tells us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses daily and follow. Because we get in the way. Denying self means more than saying no to worldly pleasures and material things, it means dying to this idea that somehow we failed, we are not good enough, that God can’t possibly use us. This self must be denied – but it must be recognized first – so that it can go on that cross. Each of us - with all of our accomplishments and failures, all our best thoughts and worst – all of it must die. Because the more you try to save your life you will lose it. Who are the men and women God uses? Whose stories are told and retold? Murderers, adulterers, connivers, liars, prostitutes, Moses, David, Rahab, Jacob, Peter, you. Me. Why? because it’s not about them. Or you. Or me. It is about the resurrection power of God. The power to restore and to change lives. We have to get out of the way and let Jesus live through us no matter how much OR how little we think we have to offer.
A.W. Tozer says “We must do something about the cross: and one of two things only we can do--flee it or die upon it. If we are wise we will do what Jesus did: endure the cross and despise its shame for the joy that is set before us. The cross will cut into where it hurts worst, sparing neither us nor our carefully cultivated reputations. It will defeat us and bring our selfish lives to an end. Only then can we rise in fullness of life to establish a pattern of living wholly new and free and full of good works.”
Judas fled but Peter stayed to die. It only seems like it was the other way around.
