When I was a
young girl, I went to camp every summer. One year, during bible study, my
counselor was talking about bullies. She said, "The lion with the loudest
roar has the biggest thorn in its paw." This has stayed with me all these
years and reinforces what the bible says in I Samuel 16:7 "The Lord does
not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance,
but the Lord looks at the heart.” This insider information about bullies made
me realize that there is insider information about nearly every situation. It
was an invitation to big picture thinking and compassion that has helped me in
dealing with conflict and reconciliation ever since. The Ian Maclaren quote
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle," has also
reinforced this idea.
Kindness
doesn't come naturally to me. I am a quick reactor and often focused on
behavior or justice. I find it hard to ignore the whisperers at the movie
theatre or children being unkind to another child – even if I don't know them!
I want to jump in and correct and set things right.
Being honest
about my struggle and asking for help is a key to growth. Living in community
has taught me the most about how unkind I am! That along with marriage and
parenthood! Community has also caused me to be transparent with my neighbors
and friends and ask for help when I need it. It is an amazing luxury to live
with people who are also concerned about your growth and maturity. But it is a challenge to accept help and to
keep accepting advice and correction – it can be tiring at times when you are
caught in a Groundhog's Day spiritual battle and living with people 24/7 in the
midst of it.
If you have
never seen the movie "Groundhog's Day" then you don't know what I
mean by the statement "Groundhog's Day spiritual battle". In the
movie, Bill Murray's character is trapped in the same day, February 2,
seemingly forever. He wakes up to the same day over and over and over. He goes
through the stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance,
in his seemingly never ending Groundhog Day journey.
I like this
as a metaphor for spiritual growth, because somedays it feels like I will never
overcome some of my life dominating sins, ruts, and patterns and I feel like
I'm trapped in the same spiritual "day". I think this is why it often
gets harder instead of easier to walk with God, live in community and not
become weary in well-doing.
We never
arrive, and often our flaws and shortcomings become more pronounced instead of
less as we get older. And if we are living in community, a small town or
attending the same church for decades, people know us! really know us! and that
is such a gift and an un-gift! Like family, the people that we are close to see
us probably better than we see ourselves.
Parker
Palmer – an author and educator who, among many other more recent honors,
titles and degrees, was named one of the thirty most influential senior leaders
in higher education and one of the ten key agenda-setters of the past decade back
in 1998 by the Leadership Project, tells this story about his mom:
Mom had a hard time
understanding how I could earn my living by working independently as “a writer
and traveling teacher." For her, a REAL job meant having a title at a
company, dressing in a suit and tie, and going downtown to an office, just like
my Dad did for sixty years. It did NOT mean spending half of one’s life pecking
out words on a keyboard while dressed in pajamas and a robe—and the other half
flying around the country doing God-knows-what!
When Mom was in her
late eighties, she asked me once again, "Parker, exactly HOW do you make
your living? I don't get it, and frankly, my friends don’t either!”
I said, "Well,
Mom, I spend half my time at home writing books and articles, hoping to
communicate with people about things that matter to me. Sometimes, people read
what I write and invite me to give a speech or a workshop where we can talk
face-to-face. And… Um… Well... I guess that's about it.”
I can see her now,
sitting in her wingback chair, cane planted firmly in the carpet, looking regal
and annoyed. After a bit, she said, "So, you make your living by TALKING
to people. Is that right?"
Knowing this was not
going to end well, I threw in the towel.
"Yes, Mom," I replied.
"That's a fair way to sum it up."
She thought for a
moment, then said,
"Well, Parker, I don't MIND talking to you. But I
certainly wouldn't pay for it!"
The grace
and kindness I receive from the people I live with is the best reminder of why
and how to be kind. But grace and kindness often arrive in strange wrappings.Kathleen
Norris talks about grace like this: “If grace is so wonderful, why do we have
such difficulty recognizing and accepting it? Maybe it's because grace is not
gentle or made-to-order. It often comes disguised as loss, or failure, or
unwelcome change.” Or, in the case of
letting ourselves be known and vulnerable, grace might come in playful teasing
from a friend until we can laugh at ourselves, in a gentle or not so gentle
word of reproach, or a look that means "you're doing that thing
again."
Ultimately,
Bill Murray's character breaks the cycle by learning to be kind, to let go of
his selfishness and to be loved.
Several
years ago I had a head injury – I fell down the stairs in our building and
landed right on my head. After several
weeks, I was still having headaches and memory problems. My doctor prescribed
"cognitive rest" – no reading, no screens of any kind, no long
conversations – "I tell my athletes to stare at a blank wall," he said.
So for two weeks, that is what I did. I took naps and baths and short walks and
I tried to not think about anything too complicated or worrisome. I had been learning about the practice of
silence right before this happened, so I also tried to listen to God's voice.
It was an amazing gift – this rest for my mind – and it started to change me. Dallas
Willard had this to say about solitude, which is a key part of silence:
"Solitude well practiced will break the power of busyness, haste,
isolation, and loneliness. You will see that the world is not on your shoulders
after all. You will find yourself, and God will find you in new ways."
So what do
these things have to do with each other? Well, I have always wanted to be
kinder and to be able to step back from a situation to see the underlying
causes and to believe the best about others, but I usually failed miserably: my
quick reactions overriding my desire to be kind. What I was lacking was this
silence. This ability to quiet myself.
And I definitely haven't arrived, but I know that a few moments of
silence can help to right things again when I feel off balance. Not empty silence
– but practicing the presence of the eternal God.
When I sit
silently before God, I can find that bigger picture more easily. Everything
else fades away and I am forced to think of eternity and meaning in a way that
brings everything into perspective. And I stop taking myself so seriously.
Spending time with the God of the cross, I can talk to Him about my pain; I can
talk to Him about being misunderstood and mistreated. And He knows. Hebrews
4:15-16 from the Message Bible tells us that "We don’t have a priest who
is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing,
experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what
he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." v16 in the NIV
says it like this "Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with
confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time
of need."
And once
we've found that grace, we can extend it to others in their time of need. Like
Groundhog's Day, sometimes music gets in our heads and plays over and over and
over. And often, it's not music that we particularly love, but for some reason
it's stuck firmly in some remote part of our brain. There is a song that runs
through my head often that I couldn't even listen to all the way through while
preparing for this sermon with its 80's electronic music and dramatic vocals,
my apologies to anyone who likes this song, but the chorus says "it's your
kindness that leads us to repentance O God; knowing that you love us no matter
what we've done, makes us want to love you too."
And although
it's not a tune I want in my head, it
is a message that I want to play on
repeat. and maybe, like Bill Murray's character, I will be changed little by
little by little, day after day as I pursue kindness and I know that one day I
will awake to find the lover of my soul by my side in a new day that will never
end.
